Freaky Briefs: 75 Short Absurdities by Jeff Strand

Author:Jeff Strand [Strand, Jeff]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2022-07-20T04:00:00+00:00

Ten minutes later, chunks of the intern were strewn all over the cabin.

Admittedly, this was their seventh attempt to haunt this frickin’ cabin, and none of them had worked. But they tried to be more violent and messier each time. One of these murders was bound to do the trick.

Randy did come back as a ghost, joining the other six. But they all had a pact to reveal no evidence of their existence whatsoever. Screw Dave and Penny.

Vegan Training

“This isn’t the burger place,” said Mortimer, getting out of the car. He’d asked to go get hamburgers to celebrate his tenth birthday, but instead Mom and Dad had taken him to a big stinky farm.

“Actually, it is,” said Dad, taking Mortimer by the hand. “Come with us.”

They walked Mortimer over to a fence. “What do you see?” Mom asked.

“A fence.”

“Inside the fence.”

“Cows.”

“That’s right,” said Dad. “Cows. When you eat a hamburger, you’re eating a cow. You’re ten years old today, which makes you a man. You can have that burger you wanted...if you’re willing to kill the cow yourself.”

Mortimer’s eyes widened. “What?”

“It’s easy to enjoy a burger when you don’t have to think about where it comes from,” said Mom. “But there’s your delicious hamburger, standing there in the pasture. Are you willing to murder it, just to have lunch?”

“This is the best birthday present ever!” Mortimer exclaimed. “How do I do it? A shotgun? A knife? Should I do it with one big chop, like with a machete, or should I do it with lots of small cuts?”

“I think you’re missing the point,” said Dad. “That cow is a living creature.”

“Not for long! I wonder if I could strangle it? No, probably not, that cow has a pretty big neck. I just want to do it in a way that I can watch the life drain out of its eyes. Do I get to pick the cow? I want it to be the one that looks the most frightened.”

“Ummmm...” said Mom.

“I can’t believe I finally get to do this,” said Mortimer. “This is so much better than a Playstation!”

“This isn’t really what we had in mind,” Dad admitted. “You’re supposed to feel bad for the cow.”

“Why? I don’t even like meat. It’s got a weird texture. An apple tastes way better. I just like knowing that a cow died for my consumption.”

Mom and Dad were silent.

“The power. The very idea that this cow’s only reason for existing, from birth to death, was to become a meal for me. A meal I probably didn’t even finish because I ate too many French fries. God, it’s such a rush! And to that cow, I am God. A cruel and vengeful God.”

“Mortimer, you’re scaring us,” said Mom.

“I don’t even want to kill it first. I want to tear into its still-living body with my teeth. I want to feel its warm blood dribbling down my chin, as it moos in pain and terror.”

“I think it’s time for us to go,” said Dad.

“And the other cows will gaze in horror.

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